Last Sunday, we taught the communication portion of the premarital class at our church, including how to navigate common challenges typically experienced during the first few years or marriage, which we refer to as “baby marriage problems.”  Doing so is as much a help and reminder to us of what is really important in marriage (and how far we’ve come in the last 14 years) as it is to the people in class.

One of the topics we talk about is the kind of issues you have when you are first married that often cause what I like to call “moments of intense fellowship” – things like the person who leaves the dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is literally a foot away, how the other person makes the bed (or doesn’t), or who leaves their shoes in the middle of the living room floor.  The last one is probably my favorite – we finally came up with the 3-pair rule.  JJ can leave two pairs of shoes in the living room and I won’t say anything, but when the third pair shows up, it’s time for them all to go back to the closet.  Honestly, at this point, I’ve learned that it’s just as easy for me to pick them up on my way to the bedroom and put them away so I don’t get to the point where his shoes bother me in the first place.  I also decided that if the bed is made or my clothes are folded and put away in my closet, the fact that those tasks are completed is more important than the fact that JJ does both differently than I do.  Different doesn’t necessarily mean worse, it just means different.

When you’re first married, it seems like every decision is a big one and the smallest issues can cause the biggest fights – the kind of fights that you look back on and can’t remember what in the world you were fighting about.  This is a natural process that all couples go through when you first combine space and now someone else is (seemingly) messing up the way you do things (do you squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom or the middle?).

When you have a conflict to resolve, or even just a challenging topic to discuss, establish a safe place in your home for these discussions.  For us, we would sit on the couch facing each other.  We have to turn off all our electronics.  JJ is prone to “ooh, shiny” or “squirrel!” if the TV is on, his computer is open or his phone is pinging.  (He admits this freely, so I’m not throwing him under the bus).  Holding hands is also very helpful.  It is difficult to not stay engaged in a conversation if someone else is holding your hands and looking you in the eye; you can’t lean back from the conversation and it is much harder to look away.

Posture, body language and tone of voice communicate as much for more than your actual words do.  Crossed arms, rolled eyes and leaning back while saying “I love you” communicate anything but love.  JJ found this State Farm commercial that is great example of how the exact same words can have two completely different meanings (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ultPAIkFoRw).  Words are like a hammer – they can either be used to build something or to tear it down.  Same tool, but two very different purposes and outcomes.

What you are trying to communicate may also have two very different purposes.  Let’s be real – ladies often times only want to be heard and guys primarily want to fix things.  If the rules of engagement are not established at the beginning of a conversation, chaos is likely to ensue.  Case in point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg.  Over time, JJ has learned to ask and I’ve learned to preface conversations when all I’m doing is venting and I’m not looking for input or a solution.  If I am looking for advice, I’ll ask him for his opinion at the end of my story, and then it’s my responsibility to be open to his recommendations.  Otherwise, JJ puts on what he calls his “stone face” and adds only some well-timed “mmhmm”s while avoiding any facial expressions until I’m finished.  Once I am finished, if he has some input and I don’t ask for his advice, he will ask me if I want his recommendation.  Typically once I can get something off my chest, I’m must more likely and more able to hear his perspective than if he launches into his “fix” mid-topic.  Are we perfect at this?  Nope.  Not by a long shot.  But we have gotten better over the years with lots of practice.

Good communication does take practice and lots of it.  Communication is an acquired skill, like any other.  It takes two people both committed to the process and being willing to forgive a lot and say “That didn’t work so well.  How can we do this better next time?”  If you’re out to win every time you have a disagreement with your spouse, Mark 10:7-8 says “ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be unite to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (NIV), so if you win and your spouse loses, you have also lost.

Good communication is the foundation of what the rest of your marriage is built on, no matter what area.  You will likely find over time that issues that may take you days or weeks to work through when you are first married, eventually will only take you a few minutes to work through and the number of disagreements you have decreases significantly because you’ve discovered that the issues that used to be SO big are now no longer an issue or aren’t worth arguing over.

Don’t be afraid of conflict in your marriage.  Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (NIV) God puts these small issues (only in retrospect do they seem small) in your path at the beginning of your marriage as a way to practice working through disagreements.  If you can learn to work through the small issues with your spouse, it builds trust that even if we don’t agree, you’re still going to be here for me and I’m still going to be here for you.  As your marriage matures (and you get older, I mean mature), you can lean into that trust as you start making bigger and bigger decisions – what kind of car are we going to buy and when? Where will we live?  How many children do we want to have?  Will those kids go to private or public school?  What are we going to do about Dad now that his health is failing?  Making the bigger life decision without the practice of the smaller decisions can be much more challenging.

If you’re newly married, experience as many of the #babymarriageproblems as you can in the beginning.  They will serve as touch points to look back on and laugh as well as help build a strong foundation for the rest of your marriage.

Here’s my last piece of advice for today to make your household a happier place – dual sinks and closets in the bathroom.  Just sayin’….