I went to the doctor for my annual physical yesterday.  If you’re like me, you dread the first few minutes of that appointment more than any other (okay, ladies, not quite ANY other, but it’s a close second) when the nurse first takes you back and has you step on the scale.  It feels to me like one of my success meters for the year – if my weight is the same or less, then it has been a successful year.  If I have gained a few pounds, then I haven’t been quite as successful.

When the doctor comes in, one of her regular questions is how regularly I exercise.  Truth be told, I go in spurts.  I have never been a gym rat, but I try to get in 2-3 workouts a week.  As I answered her question this year, the thought went through my mind “I have a girlish figure to maintain.”  In all honestly, my figure is far from what it was when I was a girl, or even from when I got married– I have a few more curves here and there and gravity has started its low, downward pull in all the typical places.

When I look in the mirror, I feel like I should still be about 29 (and at 29 I thought I should still look like I did at 18).  But the reality is, in a few short weeks I will turn 41.  I am no longer a girl and haven’t been one for a long time.  My husband and I were having dinner a few months ago with a couple who are in their mid-50’s and the husband made some comment to my husband about being middle aged (talking about both them and us).  I wasn’t involved directly in their conversation, but my ears perked up at his comment about being middle-aged, to which I replied that I refused to be middle-aged yet.  The husband turned to my husband and asked “she’s having a little difficulty with that, huh?”

I am finally choosing to give myself permission to no longer have to be the girl I was at 18.  If I truly wanted to be like I was at 18, I would not have the benefit of all the life experiences and lessons that I have learned over the past 23 years.  That, and I don’t have the dedication that is required to spend the amount of time in the gym necessary to be 98 pounds again.  Wisdom has always felt like a weighty word to me, so perhaps some of that translates physically (at least for most of us) as we get a little older.

For now, I’m going to tell myself that I’m “girl-ish,” which will allow me to be a woman with some girlish tendencies.  Who wouldn’t still like to be somewhat girlish in their 50’s, 60’s, 80’s?  Those types of ladies seem to keep their light and joy well into their golden years.  Maybe that will help me from taking myself too seriously and give myself some grace with each transition in life.  I’m still not ready to consider myself “middle-aged.”  Ask me again in another 10 years or so.

I love getting the mail the few weeks before Christmas through the week of New Years.  Every few days another photo card arrives with smiling faces of people I love and care for.  I marvel at how much the kiddos have grown for my friends who live across the country (and truth be told, sometimes my friends who live locally) that I don’t get to see very often.  I enjoy reading the snippets of life that are shared in short paragraphs on the back.  My fridge is covered with beautiful reminders of so many wonderful people.

Last year from June to December, we dealt with news of one bad health report after another on both sides of the family, so I’m just now getting caught up on a few things, my blog included.   This morning I changed out my photos from 2015 for 2016 on the fridge.  The placement always reminds me of a game of Tetris – trying to fit the different sized and shaped cards together to maximize the number of visible photos in the space that is available.

I created our first photo Christmas card 2 Christmases ago in 2015.  Doing so was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I struggled for many years about sending a card that only has my husband and myself on it.  I had fallen into the trap of thinking that no one would be interested in card without kiddos on it.  We’re also not good at taking pictures of ourselves or our lives, so I felt like I didn’t have much content to pull from.  Two years ago we took a week-long road trip and had taken photos at many distinct locations, so I felt like I finally had something worth sending out.  Last year, I decided that it didn’t matter if we didn’t have cute kids to put on a card; that the people who are on my Christmas card list would be happy to see just our two faces.  I got as far as finding a photographer in November, and then some more “life” happened and I never got an appointment booked, so I sent out a letter instead of a photo.

While a letter is a great way to document your history from the year, I realized that it does not provide a visual snapshot of what your life actually “looks” like, especially for the people we don’t physically see often.  For us, at this point, that means a few more fine lines and gray hairs (at least for JJ – I hide my gray hair!). My goal for this year is to be more intentional about snapping a few pix here and there to document some of the high points of the year, not just to create a Christmas card, but to have a touch point to which to return to track our history for ourselves, even if they are not all perfectly posed. (I’d post one today, but as I write, JJ is asleep after working 24 hours straight).

So, help keep me accountable.  Here’s to a few more smiling snapshots of our own.  I’d love to see your pix too!